Needs

Journal entries are almost always skewed.  When I pour through my old junior high and high school journals, I'm always shocked at two things: one, that I am so depressed, and two, that I am so obsessed with boys.  But this is how journals work.  When we're floating on air, why would we stop to write about it.  It works inversely with photographs.  On facebook, all my pictures are of fun parties, costume events, and bars.  Basically anything that involves alcohol.  No one stops to take a picture at a funeral.

Things have been going well in my life.  I'm got a great career and wonderful friends, so it feels pathetic to feel sad, but what can I do?  This past week was one of the worst I've had in a long time.

Three car issues plus late nights, classroom mismanagement, and just an overwhelming feeling of loneliness have totally overcome me.  Not to mention Iowa losing, which happened on Saturday.  Seems dumb to get so upset over a sports team losing, but it totally deepened my overall feeling of depression.  In therapy, I had trouble keeping it together.  I hate crying in front of people.  It's so revealing to just sit and lose your breath and turn red, and sob.  Who would ever let another human being see that?

Apparently, I'm in the minority.  Some people have no issues crying in front of others.  I'm not one of those people.  I had a nice cry in the shower yesterday, but it didn't seem to help.  It's October and I've never felt more overwhelmed at my job.  Never have I had the amount of responsibility as I have this year and I feel like I'm failing.

My therapist asked me two weeks ago how I address my needs.  I literally looked at her like she had two heads because the answer is that typically I ignore my needs and move forward.  Of course my basic needs are met.  I'm fed. I'm washed. I sleep at night.  But when it comes to emotional needs beyond friendship or physical needs, I ignore what I feel I need.  What other choice do I have?

It's no longer a matter of just being with a guy.  Been there, done that, emotional void remains intact.  There's something missing and I can't put the puzzle together for whatever reason probably because I have no prior example to cite.  Does it really come down to never having been in love?  I doubt it.

I think I just need to be held.  And I'll own that.  It's not pathetic.  Everyone I know that is secure and happy is held and hugged/held/touched on a regular basis.  How much longer can I ignore what I physically need?

But does addressing that mean giving up my independence?  Needy girls and needy guys have never ranked high on my list.  To me it looks desperate and pathetic to need all the time.  But maybe I've gone too far the other end of the spectrum.  Maybe addressing my needs is the happy medium.

But how do I address this?

Therapy in the last month or so has been eye opening.  I've been more open and confident in meeting people for the first time, I've taken social risks and gone out when my first instinct is to stay in.  I've also pinpointed the reasons why I've chosen the men I've chosen throughout college and beyond.

So what's next?  That's what I always ask my therapist.  Now that I know that about myself, how can I use that information to take the next step forward?  The truth is, sometimes awareness of my own needs, my patterns, and who I am on the whole is enough for five steps forward.

For now, this chai latte and the scarf wrapped around my neck will serve as warm substitutes for my real needs.  Cheers.

Psychology

It's funny, but sometimes I feel completely unaware of what my passions are.  Writing is a "duh."  So is television.  But after browsing several book stores in the last few weeks, I've realized I love psychology and social sciences.  I enjoy learning about the way people think, make decisions, and decide to live their lives. 

I can sit and listen to people and learn about their perspectives and world views.  I can listen to my friends discuss their relationships and enjoy trying to work out where each party is coming from.  The mechanics of people.  What makes them tick?  What makes me tick?  What stimulates me would bore someone else.  I love hearing about relationships and I finally realize that I love relationships in general.

What I mean by this is that I'm always curious as to how they work and what they're like.  My curiosity is insatiable.  I want to know about your latest fight, a great moment, the pitfalls, the pet peeves, and the best and worst of your partnerships.  This doesn't mean I want to be flooded with everyone's problems, but I am continual interested in the workings of my friends' relationships.

I think this is what hooks me onto some shows.  I realized that a lot of the shows I love to watch, I watch because of how the relationships develop.  Maybe everyone does, I don't know, but I'm interested.

I wrote an essay about being single in college and I'm pretty sure its theme was, what's wrong with me?  I am not over this, but I've been turned on to the work of Byron Katie, this slightly hokey former business woman that has an interesting thought process.  She says, "I discovered that when I believed my thoughts, I suffered, but that when I didn’t believe them, I didn’t suffer, and that this is true for every human being. Freedom is as simple as that. I found that suffering is optional. I found a joy within me that has never disappeared, not for a single moment."

Granted, I don't believe that suffering is completely optional, but I'm turned on to the idea that arguing against our irrational thoughts with rational ideas works.  She uses logic to convince people that their negative thoughts are absurd.  Now, I've been told to think positively, stop being negative, etc., but I've never been manipulated into thinking positively.  I watched a couple of youtube videos of her and while I'm not completely convinced, my thinking has expanded to include the way she argues against the most negative ideas about ourselves.

I went out and bought her book last week.  I'm also reading The Gift of Therapy, a book that's helping me see therapy in different ways.  I love thinking, thinking about thinking, and learning about all of the above.

I'm worried my impending school year is going to squash these ideas in me and trade them for grading papers and planning lessons. 

I can't let myself forget what I love. 

Truths

1.  People are who they are because of the ways their insecurities manifest in themselves.

2.  Take a look at the narrator.  Are they reliable?

3.  We all know our friends' flaws. Should we focus on the flaws or why we're friends to begin with?

What I Did on My Summer Vacation

Everyone tells me how lucky I am to have this summer break.  I am.  I know I am.  It wasn't even a reason I chose to be a teacher even though I know it's a perk that isn't afforded to many.

Ever since school let out, I've been in a constant state of worry.  I can't let this summer go by without doing something great.  I need to write.  I need to exercise.  I need to date.  I need to organize my life.  Especially my teaching life.

I'm lucky and I realize I'm lucky, but I see this world through my lens so if I have complaints or struggles it's because I'm attempting to figure out how to live in the world the best way I know how.  Confusing?

What I mean is that I live in a state of disappointment and high standards I set for myself (some of the time). I'm not going to jump off any buildings.  Every so often I have great days, great moments, rewarding moments.  But most of the time, I've striving to do better. 

In truth I am trying to find a paying writing gig, but I think that comes from more writing which I have found some time for this summer.  It doesn't help that television news in the summer is rare and there isn't too much new material to write on.

Here's what I have done this summer:

1.  Seen movies. Like, more than I can count, but I'll try and name them.

Toy Story 3, Inception, A Winter's Bone, Cyrus, The Girl Who Played with Fire, Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work, Get Him to the Greek, and it's possible there are one or two more that I can't recall.

2.  Hung out with friends and talked.

3.  Written a few articles about various shows (Mad Men, House, Glee).

4.  Met Barbara Barnett, the author of the new House book I'm going to review for her.  Here's the site:

http://www.barbarabarnett.com/

5.  I've fixed up both blogs in the last couple of days thanks to blogger's new designs and my roommate.

6.  I've read a couple of books and I am in the middle of reading Under the Banner of Heaven by Jon Krakauer.  I love reading about religion when it's written in an interesting way.

7.  I went to Michigan with my dad and sister.  That place holds a lot of memories for me so it was great to be there again, even though it did make me think of my mom.  

On a separate note, I've had some really great therapy sessions lately that are making me stop and think about the way I conduct myself.  What's funny is that I've always considered my fierce independence a good thing.  And on most levels it is.  I know I can rely on myself entirely and that who I choose to trust is up to me.  I am with who I want to be with and when I'm alone, I enjoy my time.  In fact, more than anything over the last few years is that I realized I need my time along.  I relish thinking and reading and watching and writing.

But.  And of course there is a but/however/except.  I think this is why dating is incredibly hard for me.  I am a bundle of nerves on any date and meeting new people scares me.  It's hard, nerve wracking, and risky. So yes, I hate dating websites even though I know they are a tool I need to utilize, but there are so many things I'd rather be doing than investing time in finding a partner.  Additionally, I hate other people sleeping in my bed.

This blog entry is starting to scream "intimacy issues."  All I can say is that I'm aware and that I've very much a work in progress.

Of course, it wouldn't be me if I couldn't connect this idea to House.  Insert groan here.

But I've finally pinned it down. One of the main reasons I love this show is because of its main character.  I understand what a lot of other people don't about him and I can relate to everything he does even though I don't have the same personality as him.  He was hurt physically and scarred from his relationship that left him raw and closed off to others.

He is very used to pushing people away and letting in very few.  He rarely dates and is terrified of intimacy with the opposite sex.  He is emotional, hopeful, romantic, sarcastic, ethically and morally interesting, and not a believer in religion.  He fears no one will understand him and that he's too much for anyone to handle in a relationship (generally, not looking at this season). This could be why I was so beyond thrilled at the end of this season.  The fact that he is loved unconditionally by someone he is in love with made me feel like it's possible to be open in that way. 

I've never been in love and no one has ever been in love with me.  On some level this is a good thing because I've never been hurt the way I know people in love have.  On the other hand, I've never been completely open with someone in a partnership.  I'm curious and in therapy I've realized that the rest of my life, while still complicated, is mostly together.  This is probably why every time I go home, see people I haven't seen in a long time, or am talking to friends, we talk about my dating life, or lack there of.

Why not try and finish the puzzle?  I have a job, a career even.  I have this writing thing that I'm hoping can lead to something, and I have a large group of friends and family that are supportive.  It's no wonder people wonder where my other half is.

I used to dole out advice, wanted or unwanted, to tell people that if they want to be in a relationship, they need to be happy with themselves first.  Maybe I've gone too far on the independence spectrum.  I'm very okay with myself and maybe that's why I seem closed off to the idea of a relationship.

If you're still reading this entry at this point, you must be a good friend, (or my sister) since I've clearly gone off the beaten path.

At any rate, I don't know if I'm ready to be with anyone yet.  How do you practice being open to strangers?  Seems easy for some.  Not so for me.

More fodder for therapy...

Validation

My therapist told me I should write about my happy moment before I diminish it into nothing, so here goes.

I feel like my range is getting larger and larger in scope and I want to keep it going.  Is that clear?

Let me elaborate.  I love writing.  Always have.  I love TV.  Always have.

When I get obsessed with shows, it's because I typically connect, or latch onto a main character or storyline.  Anyone who knows me at all knows that I've been totally obsessed with the show House since about November of 2008.

Last year, in October, I ceased an opportunity that was brought to my attention for a writer of articles reviewing the show from BuddyTV.  One of the reasons I started latching onto this show is because I found that I could analyze it and read into it in ways that were stimulating to me.  To be able to do this for an audience was extremely appealing.

I wrote an article, sent it in, and got the position.  I was beyond thrilled then, and I wish I could experience that high over again where I was chosen based on my writing because I have a keen eye for detail and write about it well.  That feeling was extremely validating.

Fast forward two or three months and I write an article that gets posted on the FOX website.  Another validation that what I'm doing is going in the right direction.

All the while I've been writing, I love googling the articles and seeing if other people post them in places where other people comment.  Because strangers reposting what I wrote makes me feel really good.  Call me narcissistic, but House has the biggest audience in the world.  I've seen my article reposted in Poland, Spain, and Italy.  Needless to say, that excites me.

So the finale aired on May 17th.  I wrote up my review, or attempted to anyway, since I was still completely hyped over the excitement of my favorite characters finally getting a chance at happiness and I was thrilled to see how many people comment.

Then, since I watched the last scene multiple times, I wanted to write an analysis of House and Cuddy and how they got to where they were.  When I look at TV, I feel like I'm analyzing literature.  What the best television shows do is put things in purposefully.  Wardrobe, hair, props, dialogue, locations, music choice, blocking.  It's all planned out meticulously.  And I appreciate this.  And notice it.

The last article I wrote about that scene is one I'm really proud of.  So I did something I haven't done with any of my other articles and I tweeted it to Greg Yaitanes, the producer and director of the show.  He directed the episode "House's Head," one of my favorite episode and he earned an emmy for his direction on it.  He also directed the current season finale "Help Me."

He has 266,204 followers and counting.  So he's kind of a big deal.  I assumed that my article would get lost in the shuffle of fans that write him silly things about the show or thank yous from fans about doing the finale so well, or even complaints, god knows why.

Regardless, I took a chance and sent it to him from @TVTherapy.  When I went on twitter yesterday, I noticed I had gained a few followers.  I assumed they were House watchers, but I checked anyway and had to do a double take.  He was following me!

He only follows 165 people currently out of the quarter of a million or so that follow him, so this was meaningful to me.  Then I realized that since he was following me, I could Direct Message him if I wanted to.

I was in the process of deciding what to say when I realized I had a message.  It was from him!

It said, "Nice look at that ending. thank you." 


Keep in mind it had to be 140 characters or less.


I totally lost it.  I recognize that yes, he is just a person.  But to me, this means so much more.  An emmy winning director of a show that I'm passionate about that was behind the camera directing the scene that I analyzed liked my take on it.  And more than that, he took the time to tell me.


So what's next?  I wrote him back with my email, but haven't heard anything yet and I don't know that I will.  Regardless, I've gotten the best validation possible and I'm completely over the moon about it.


I went into therapy yesterday so excited about what had happened, and then I realized as the day went on, I tried to minimize how big this was based on what other people thought about it.  I just need to not do that.


This was a huge step forward for me and major recognition that the writing I'm doing is not going unnoticed.  And even more than that, it's being read by a very important person.

To bring things around to even more full circle, someone called yesterday to tell me the bowling league that I attempted to join in September was starting up again.  I got DVR for my house because bowling was on Monday nights and I needed to make sure House was taped.  It's been invaluable for my writing to be able to rewatch episodes.  


Here's hoping I can make a break in the writing world or House-land someday soon.